one month.

look at that sweetness!

this might just be alot. so just, be prepared.

first of all, a week ago we took above chica to her "two week" apointment..right at her one month mark. (mother of the year)(where i also found out lynley hasn't been in since she was 18 months...) aanyways.. our little lovely girl was weighing at a whopping 6lbs2oz. well under where our doctor would like her to be (a pound over birth weight)... now, to some mom's this might not be devastating news. to this mom, it means tears. 

i am hell bent on nursing Callie. i feel like i tapped out way too early with Lynley.. it was hard. i was 19. and at around 2.5-3 months, i gave up..

i feel like we both missed out on something.. and i would like to find out what exactly that something is.

i feel like, as a woman, i was perfectly designed to sustain life, my babies life.

i feel like, you get to do this only so many times in your lifetime. it's so special. 

since we've had little callie girl.. nursing hasn't been any easier then with lynley. callie doesn't go more than 2 hours between feedings. i have put everything on hold to get the nursing thing down. and it is so hard. every other night, i am in fetal position, ready to throw in the towel totally.and then somehow 30 minutes later my milk will let down, and we start all over.

so, anyways, it's a struggle. and then, to see that she hasn't gained really all that much weight....it's personal! it means that i am not doing what i was designed to do! well, that's how it feels anyway.

i have been reading books, and all over the internet, making myself a complete basket case. (why do i get on the internet? it always makes thing 1000 times worse lol all the horror stories!) which is making me have less milk, i'm sure.

anywayyyyys. today, before my appointment to get callie re weighed, i  just said a prayer. out loud, after i dropped lyn off at school. and i just was like, okay, this isn't about me. this is about this little child. HIS child. and i am ready to surrender this over to Him. i cannot keep this huge secret heart wrenching owie all to myself anymore.it is making me crazy. i don't have the answers. i don't know what to do. but...i do have perfect faith that He knows what i should do. and i am ready to listen, and DO. whatever that may be. 

when you have kids, everyone tells you that you never sleep. everyone tells you how awesome it is. everyone tells you how cute your kids are. 

no one tells you,(my mom just confessed this to me recently) that being a mom, is just partly heart wrenching owies. one after the next. for forever i think. it's a secret hell at times, that only you (and i believe my Father in Heaven) know. it's those long, lonely nights, praying that my milk will let down just one more time so i don't have to give her a bottle. it's pleading that i can be content, that i can calm the worry, the anxiety. it's throwing everything you have, and i mean everything you are at tiny little people, and hope that you are doing it right. all to watch them turn 16 and pray even harder that they come home whole, and okay from wherever they are, away from you.

being a mother is every bit happy and sad and maddening and exhilarating and amazing and refreshing and amazing and just everything times ten.

i am waiting to hear from our pediatrician (whom i love and trust 100%) on what his advice would be for me. with her being in the 1%, i am sure that his suggestion will be to start supplementing something. if i take all my emotions out of it, she needs what my mom calls it "dessert". she needs some some meat on her bones. she has grown 3 inches..and really has only put on a few ounces.. 

here's where i am: no matter what, this does not define me as a mother. i feel like, our society is all like, "nurse or die" and if you don't nurse your kid til he's 4.. then something is seriously off with your mothering. i hate the guilt that is put on mothers! i hate it! everyone is different  and every child is different. and it does NOT mean youre a better or worse mother for listening to doctors or your own instincts.

this is hard place to be at, because it takes trust. trust in yourself. and as women, i think that we doubt ourselves way too much.

but, this is where i am trying to be. i am telling myself i am ok. i am happy. i am a good mom. no matter what. because, what we tell ourselves, is what we will be. 

i love my children. 

they really are gifts straight from God.

i pray that i can be the mother they deserve.

and with His help, i believe that i can be.