I saw the change that I've been feeling the last few months.
September 2015 I could only see darkness. I couldn't find light. I felt dark. I felt lost. I was confused. I couldn't understand how my little brother could possibly have melanoma. it wasn't a reality that I was willing to live in. I fought it. for a long, long time.
and then... we saw a miracle. all the prayers. and fasting. and pleading. and bargaining. and begging. we were given more time. I can text him RIGHT THIS SECOND and tell him how much I love him. and he even usually texts me back ;)
I know that this time is not random. it isn't luck. it is divine intervention. it is a tender, tender mercy from a loving God. and I can be in the light now. good or bad. I can see how light was always there.. I just had to choose it. I had to FIND it.
this last week we learned of a young girl in our ward who had tumors removed from her, and the doctors suspected cancer. they've been waiting on results. that waiting... it is the worst. and I truly wouldn't wish it on anyone.
when I found out.. I burst into tears. I was already having what I call a cancery day. we have those.. for no particular reason sometimes. its when the light is hard to find that day. when the reality is more in the front of our minds. anyways, to hear of this young girl. and knowing the dark side that is cancer. I just broke.
as a ward we fasted. and I prayed, hard, that those doctors are wrong.
this morning I woke up, the sun was shining. and I knew.. I told tyler, and my visiting teachers.. it's going to be okay. she was going to be okay. no news is good news.
and while they were sitting there visiting with me, they both got word.. NO CANCER. I broke again. and I felt something that I wasn't expecting.
I felt true... JOY. for her. for her family. a sense of relief. I knew, again, we'd seen a miracle.
I thought that maybe, I would feel angry. maybe I would feel that it wasn't fair. that maybe I would cry and wish that jake would get that miracle and not her.
all valid feelings maybe.
but I didn't feel that way. I felt.. LIGHT. i don't want to forget that feeling. i saw the change. something has happened in me, and it is just a part of me now. i feel true empathy for those with a loved one going through the world of cancer. and i felt true joy and relief and thanks to God for someone else receiving a miracle to avoid that club.
it's not a part of myself that i wanted. i still don't want it. because the reason it's there.. i hate still. but. it's there. and i am thankful for it too. because i guess i can feel something for someone else, that i wouldn't have been able to before.
i hate cancer. but... i am thankful for the tender mercies in life i'm able to experience... our prayers are heard. there is a plan. parts of that plan.. are bitter pills to swallow.. but the light is always there. we just have to choose it, find it, go to it.
jakes here. and that, that means that today is a good day.
and i'm not just saying that, and that's a miracle too. :)
this song helped me find light, in the darkness.
"when through the deep waters i call thee to go,
the rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,
for i will be with the, thy troubles to bless,
and sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress."
"when through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
my grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
the flame shall not hurt thee; i only design
thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."
"the soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
i will not, i cannot, desert to his foes;
that soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
i'll never, no never, i'll never, no never,
i'll never, no never, no never forsake!"
go find the light.
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