tonight.

well, i should start with today.
today was good. not great. but good enough. slightly off. slightly..i dunno. you know the days when the voice in your head wont shut up? and then your husband says something..that doesn't really mean anything. but certainly does mean everything, due to the reaction of that dumb voice in your head that won't shut up?
so it was one of thooossse days.

and then tonight came. and i spanked lynley for not coming to her room for prayers and nighttime. and she was crying. bawling really. partly because she's over tired, mostly because she knows that her bottle is going to be filled with water, and not milk, and also, as much as id like to deny it..she's mad at me. because i spanked her.
i hate that.
then we finish prayers, which are...mediocre at best due to me and tyler being..weird. and then here comes the part where i have to heave the limp, screaming, body into her bed..and attempt to hand her the water filled bottle. which is hucked right back in my face.
which makes me want to spank her again, or at the very least get her into some sort of verbal trouble.
but i don't. i give up.
i go, fill up that bottle with milk and walk back into her room where she's sitting up, crying.
i hate putting her to bed upset. it makes my heart hurt.
so i ask her if she wants me to rock her. she replies yes, thank goodness.
so i rock her, and sing her a few primary songs, until she tells me(shes too big) she's ready to get back into her bed.
before i let go of my baby i say "lynley..guess what?" and she replies "i love you" i say "oh baby, i love you too."
then i get the biggest, wettest, smooch.
and she just stares at me, right in the eyeballs.
and i cant help it, i'm overcome with her love for me.
even after i spanked her and tried to deprive her of her beloved baba.

it's no wonder we're taught to become like little children.
they're amazing.
they forgive, so fast, and so completely.
they love, so intensely and honestly.
they trust, so fully.

although i feel like it's my whole life some days trying to teach that little girl right from wrong...most of the time..it's her teaching me.

i love that Little girl. more than i ever thought possible.