changes

i did it.
i told my baby that it is time to be a big girl.

as much as i cringe at this thought..the thought that my baby is growing up.
it is time, and even i can't fight it any longer. even me! and i'm one big baby when it comes to this.
so..we had a little chat. i told her that we gave all her baba's to the baby next door.
and that it was time to be a big girl.
and she kinda went along with it..
i told her that we can still have a sippy in bed..but our baba's were for babies.
and lynley is a big girl.

the first night went excellent.
not a single tear.

the second night..was not so great.
crying for an hour and a half.
you know what this does to me..this crying until she falls asleep.
it makes my heart hurt! i just want to go in there and scoop her up and make her happy.

but..as tyler reminded me..this is a good change.
and our little girl needs to learn, and be allowed to learn, and grow.

ha! easy coming from the dad!!
he didn't carry her in his tummy, feel her wiggle and kick inside of me.
he didn't feel the toe curling pain of her latching on for the first, and hundreth time.
he doesn't get it! he doesn't remember the sweet little angel with fluttering eyelids at 3am, as vividly as me!
i can still smell her newborn smell!

and yet. here she is.
another change, another phase in life gone.
and here i am.
mourning this speedy thing called time, that insists on robbing us of baba's!

but. there is always a but.
but...look at her!
she's so smart, and independent, and silly, and loving, and she never stops talking.
and she is so friendly.
and so everything that i ever dreamed of.
and every day..i watch her..and she learns new things.
she learns new words..
like today she told me that i was weird.
and it was very weird..coming from that little girl.

when she holds my hand and looks up at me with that giant smile..
i see heaven in her eyes.

being a mother, is so present.
and yet..we will always miss the past.

we can't fight time, and change..its no use.
for what we want most, no matter our longing to hold our innocent sweet babies close, we want our children to be the best they can be.
we want the world for them.
we want them to shine.

once a mother, always a mother.
no matter the age, the stage in life, the distance.
once a mother, always a mother.