Honesty. And sleep.

I knew that i was going to miss sleep. I haven't been getting up with babies for a few years now...

I keep thinking, in the wee hours of the morning, for the fifth time, rocking back and forth, that i do not recall it being this hard.

I am sure that some magic forgetting powers worked their magic on me... Giving me a false sense of "I can totally do this, and regain total normality within a few days.. a week TOPS."

Ha.ha.

Last night, as I was nursing callie for literally the millionth time that day.. all while trying to will away the flu that is now upon me in full force.. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so bad, but I was too tired to even muster up.a few pity party tears.

This is hard!
Lyn has been acting like a crazy kid, I know because she misses me. She says things like, "you always feed the baby".. she has watched more movies then I will.ever admit to, and I know she is going crazy in this house...I feel so bad for her. I, for the first time understand the draw to have your kids close together, automatic play mates..

I am going to let her go back to school soon. I am.

I am also turning into an OCD crazy who is scared germs are gonna kill my daughter.

Dramatic much?
Ready to slap me yet?
I am ready to slap myself.

And whats so ironic. Is that after all my efforts. Locking us in the house for weeks now... I still end up with the one thing I was desperately trying to prevent!
I am still kneeling.over the toilet puking!

Resist persist.
Come on court.

Anyways, if you've done this.. you know its a roller coaster..
You have moments of intense joy, and fulfillment, and moments like this one... Where it is just hard.

It's no wonder why us mamas are willing to do anything for.our kids..
When you put so much into them, the amount of devotion and love is unexplainable.

Okay, here's to taking a long nap today, and not even feeling guilty about it.
Here's to survivng the first three weeks.
Here's to doing something fun w lynley, no matter what today.
Here's to choosing joy. Even when the latter option seems overwhelming.
Heres to honesty.. even when its not pretty.