RSV.

I am dying a little bit inside, watching my baby girl get poked, and suctioned, and the wheezing, and beeping, and all the cords and wires hooked to her, tiny, 8 lb 14 oz, 22 inches long body.

On Friday she started to cough.
It seemed like she was getting what Tyler and lynley have been down with.

And by Sunday night, she was no longer interested in eating, or opening her eyes anymore.
We took her to the doc on Monday afternoon, where We were admitted to the hospital.

Still not totally sure this is RSV, or influenza. But a chest x ray showed signs of pnemonia and bronchitis.. she also has an ear infection and a hovering low fever.

Last night around 3 I would've said she was totally better. Then by 5 she had turned 180 degrees, and the respitory therapist was really concerned with her lungs.

By 7, she fell asleep, and breathing ok. At 8 she nursed for 15 minutes.

Dr looked everything over and said to plan on being here through today for sure, more like Thursday. I feel like she's doing so much better this morning. She nursed again at 945.

I dunno. But, I do know that this has broken my heart, and there is nothing worse then being helpless when your infant is so miserable.

Sleep? What sleep?

All that matters is my baby. That she's comfortable. That she gets better.

That's it.

I love this little girl, so damn much. It hurts!

This post is a work in progress, turns out.

So...this afternoon has been tough. The suctioning. Oh the suctioning. It rips me in two.. it makes tears burn my eyes, I cover them, I cringe. I make Tyler hold her tiny flailing arms as she screams and gags and cries. Ugh. It is unbearable.

I am tough here. I ask questions. I say no to students. I ask for what she needs...and then I ask again. And again. Until We get it. I can't put her down. I rock her. And nurse her. And I do a lot of staring at her. I stare at her, a lot.

The beeping is driving me up the wall.

She has been eating! And well. They day day 7 is the worst. Were on day 5.

Ookkaaay. Well last night (Tuesday) Ty went to my moms for.the night. He is still sick.. and was really doing pretty crappy. My mom stayed with me.. I am so thankful she did. Last night was the worst yet .

At one point breathing was impossible for her tiny body. Too much micus in her tiny throat. O had ringed the nurses...and no one was coming fast enough as her coloring was getting worse and worse each second... Finally the therapist came rushing in and she got her cleaned out...mostly. a few minutes later she gagged up two huge mucus plugs.

Al night was up and down...I found myself just staring at her... Praying so.hard that she could just breath.

Then I hear "neo code neo code"... And people running.down.the hall. The littlr baby down from us was transported to.primary children's... My night mare! If they had s heart monitor on me after that.. the machine would've gone nuts.

All night it snowed. I watched it snow. I watched my baby. I fed her. We suctioned her. Anti biotics, tylenol. Diaper change, watch her some more.

I finally fell asleep at 5 am - 7 am.
Tyler got here around 8 in like 18 inches of snow. I couldn't wait to see him. I needed him.

As my mom.left to get to the kids..lynley included, she looked at me untangling the cords and wires for the three millionth time and asked, how are you.still going??

Honestly.. I.feel carried right now. I never knew the meaning of "feeling peoples prayers" I do now.
I feel calm.
I feel peace.
I feel carried.
I feel...strong.

This morning has been awesome. She got her oxygen off. And she kicked.around bright eyed and smiling for a few hours. Her temp is under 99.. and her congestion, less intense.

The Dr said to plan on being.here a.few more days... But the nurse said that drs like to watch babies for 24 hrs after they're off oxygen... So as long as she stays this stable...tomorrow We should go home! I am thinking positive thoyhts :)

I miss lynley so much. My mom is.bringing.her here today!! Yay!! I can't wait. I need my baby girl.

Right now...I feel blessed. And I am so.so so thankful that she is improving. I hope so much that We are over the hump and are on the recovery side of.this!!

It is 715pm and I feel like crying I am so happy. I feel like I have my baby girl back! Only 2 suctionings today so far.. and still off her oxygen. When she's awake she is our silly happy baby.

Right now she's sleeping peacefully in my arms, with s full belly.

My mom brought lyn to us this evening.. to hug and kiss her was heaven. I didn't want to let go. Ever. She squeezed me so tight. We ate oreos and Apple juice. We cuddled with callie and she talked my ear off while going to the bathroom ha ha.

When it was time to go..she cried and clung to Tylers leg. I told her I would see het tomorrow..that We would pack our things and our bikes and swim suits and drive to Arizona! ...it kinda helped...not really.

I couldn't imagine this ordeal without my mom. She has dropped everything to support us. I can never tell her thank you enough. Last night...I dunno what time We were both so tired We were deleriously laughing..I can't even remember what about. I feel so lucky to consider my mama my best girl friend.

In my almost 4 years of being a mother.. there is one thing that I know with such a certainty-- the Lord takes care of his children. Miracles happen. And if We follow the spirits promptings...and are righteous...things come together.  Remember how I got ins last minute and We made a chunk of money from all our supplemental ins plans when I had callie? We never felt like that money was for no reason...it always felt like it had a purpose.. littlr did We know We would be here.. with a looming giant hospital bill ahead.. but its not too scary..because its like We had the money set aside, waiting for this.

I will never deny the Lords hand in ALL things.

The last almost 3 months have been possibly the hardest of my whole life.. and some days I felt alone, scared, exhausted, and totally overwhelmed. But 30 minutes later, I chose faith. I had to. I chose faith in the priesthood. Faith in Gods plan for us. Faith in prayer.

I think I am in a constant state of prayer somedays. Especially the last 3. Constantly pleading for guidence, or peace, or even what seems like a miracle.

And although, sometimes I just carry on without a big answer or feeling or anything...others I feel the powers of heaven pour down on me. Either way, I know I am heard.

Ok..time to plug my phone in..and sleep maybe. Here's to a good night..and home tomorrow!

Last night was fabulous. No suctionings. I had the nurses wean her off her iv fluids as well! Oh I could cry I am so happy about having my baby girl back. She's snoozung in my arms. Can't wait to take the wires and iv and cords off her, load her in our car, get her jammies on...and go home!

I am confident that We will go home today!

Oh my heart is so happy. I feel so blessed. We have been well cared for here. Not only by wonderful nurses and family.. but we've been sustained and carried by prayers from many.. our God had taken good care of us.

Dr will be here soon! I can't hardly wait for the good news. :)