for my brother jacobs 2nd round of chemo, i was able to be there. its really hard for me to put into words what the experience was like. to sit by, and watch you baby brother walk into the hospital seemingly healthy, and then be made, so incredibly sick. come near death, on purpose. to sit, and know all you can do is rub his feet, or scratch his back, or hold his hand, or really, just sit there in silence, while he suffers in every way possible. to see the disappointment on his face, to see the sadness as he gets weaker and weaker. to see the desperation in the long lasting fever. to see the anger after symptom after symptom hit him, over and over again. to self consciousness in his weight loss, the handfuls of beautiful hair lost. the endless quandary of needing to eat, but literally just not being able to. really, to watch your strong, confident, beautiful baby brother be stripped down to a sick, sick boy.
i would show up at the hospital in the morning, after dropping off my other kids to different peoples homes. my 2 month old, and callie. it was hard to leave ellie.. and i was still pumping every few hours. but, i am so thankful for the people who loved them and took care of them while i was away. then, i would stay there, giving my mom a little break, and keep everyone company until night time. while in the hospital, it feels like a sacred place. so many prayers and miracles i know happen every day, every hour there. and then, leaving, is so hard. i felt so guilty! for just being able to leave, to smell fresh air. to not be hooked to a pole with a million tubes and wires all over my body. i would break down in sobs... gripping the steering wheel so tight. just praying, and crying, and not understanding. why? why!? non of it made sense. there was just no where to put it. i couldn't put any of it inside of me.
and then i would get to my kids, and just squeeze them. and cry. and pray. and try to swallow it all down.
then i would be back up at huntsman and there was my mom, looking beaten down, sad, disappointed, and yet being SO tough. and jake.... eyes closed, brows furrowed, cheeks flushed from fever...
i don't know how my mom has done all this... i don't know how you watch your baby suffer so much. i know that she wishes everyday that she could do this for him. i am amazed at her strength. jacob is blessed to have her on his side.
leaving was so hard. leaving him, so sick and weak at home was hard.
the drive home, it was one of those things where i was home and i could hardly remember even driving 12 hours... so many thoughts. so much sadness. so much anger. so much confusion..
and then. something happened inside of me.
i am changed.
i had a dream, and i woke up and i knew that THIS all of it, the terrible and amazing, and everything in between.. it's what i am here for.
we are here to experience all of this. its an earthly experience that we can only have here, now. so instead of pushing aside what i may feel, i welcome it. all of it. because i want to feel it all.
and, i woke up knowing, that, this isn't our home. our only goal here, and before we came here was to get back home. when that happens, doesn't matter, as long as the end result is going home. we are all on that same mission, on different time tables. WE are not in control of the time table. God is. our Father... He is on our side, and He will never leave us alone. He has a plan, and that plan is perfect, and we fought for that plan. we were on His side, through a war in heaven. Cancer is a huge huge trial.. but we cant let Satan use cancer to take us to his side. cancer makes Satans tools easier to use i think.. disappointment. discouragement. anger. confusion. those arent feelings from our Father. Faith. Hope. Love. Submission. those are feelings from Him. although they are hard to hold on to at times... they are what we have to focus on. there just is no other option.
tears still come, unexpectedly usually. and the road is still uncertain, and it still feels very long, and very hard... but... it's going to be ok. Jacob will be ok.
i hope that jake sorta can understand how much i love him. how proud i am of him. how amazing i have always thought that he was, and now even more. my kids adore him. i love watching him make them laugh, flipping them around. my heart aches for him almost every minute of every day, but, gosh danggit, i know somewhere deep in my soul, that this isn't random, that this isn't drawing the short straw... that this is for something. there is a reason. doesn't mean i don't hate cancer, because i do. but.. i just have more faith that jake is going to make something great out of this, then my fear or hate.
heres some photos.. because, i dunno, as much as they rip my heart out, they are important, to me.
how firm a foundation:
In ev'ry condition--in sickness, in health,
In poverty's vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea--
As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
E'en down to old age, all my people shall prove
My sov'reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still,
Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.
The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!
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